it will pass. it will pass. it will pass. please let it pass soon.
it will pass. it will pass. it will pass. please let it pass soon.
Today I woke up, had breakfast then went to the dentists office for teeth cleaning. Since I like to eat lemons, I had no plaque on my teeth. :D I also had no cavities!
After that, I went to class. Then I went home and watched the bio videos I was supposed to watch as I ate sweet potatoes.
Then I drew and washed the dishes.
My race is at 7:40 so I left my house at 5:00.
When I got there, I still had a while till I had to warm up, so I bought a t shirt and read my ap bio test study guide book since I’ll be taking a diagnostic the next day.
Shortly after I purchased my t shirt, someone started singing the national anthem and everyone suddenly started facing one direction with their hands placed on the chest in silence. I always feel uncomfortable in those kind of situations because I’m not sure what kind of emotion is supposed to be attached to this. I also don’t feel comfortable with awkward silences. I have no idea what people are supposed to feel when someone sings the national anthem. Are they supposed to feel a strong sense of patrism or pride for America or something? And they are silent because their feeling of pride is so strong? Or are they supposed to take this time to remember those who risked their lives to shape America to how it is today? I just feel really awkward when people randomly stop what their doing to do something like that because I don’t know what I’m supposed to be thinking.
After that, I stayed on the bleachers and studied~ I went to the bathroom a few times and checked in for my race. About 45 mins before my race, I went to go warm up.
I ran the 3200m and got 11:14. I’m not happy with my time.
I feel like as the season progresses, I get a sense of what I’m capable of running and set higher and higher expectations for myself. When I expect myself to get a certain time, the fun in running disappears because I put so much pressure on myself and constantly remind myself of the negative mental consequences if I don’t achieve my goal. When I put so much emphasis on times, then my performance and happiness suffers.
In the beginning of the season, I found running a lot more enjoyable. That was because I didn’t know how fast I could run. I was setting personal records in everything. Now, I need to stop feeling discouraged when I don’t set personal records because it’s humanly impossible to improve every single time. But I can’t help still feeling discouraged.
Going into this race wasn’t really fun. In the beginning of the season, every time I stepped on that starting line, I would feel really excited to run fast. I loved the pain.
Today on the starting line, I was dreading the race. I was not enjoying my experience at all. I dreaded the pain.
Despite the fact that I was really dreading the run, I still tried to stay positive by informing the others around me about how excited I was to run. No matter how much I wanted that to be true, it sounded like sarcasm in my mind.
I led for the first lap and ran a 74. That was way too fast. At Arcadia last week, I got boxed in and trapped for the longest time for not starting fast enough so I made sure to not let that happen again. I guess I went a little overboard.
During the whole race, my calfs got very tight because I was running on my toes. My whole leg was stiff and full of pain. I think this is because I wasn’t enjoying myself.
When I saw that I got 5:29 for the first mile, my hopes of breaking 11:00 were shattered. According to the coach, two of my laps were 86 and one of them was an 87. That made me feel sad when I heard him yelling my splits.
I normally get a rush of adrenaline when people are about to pass me which causes me to speed up. But this time, I simply felt discouraged and too tired to keep up when I got passed. I hate that feeling. I need to find a way to tell my kidneys to release those adrenaline molecules from my adrenal glands during a race.
At least on the positive note, I ran a 5:45 for my second mile which is the fastest second mile I ever ran in a race.
I’m really disappointed with my performance because really wanted to break my personal record but I didn’t due to my lack of enthusiasm towards running during that race. I can blame myself for that because happiness is something that I can control and my brain just chose not to feel happy that day.
On top of that, the coach kept going on and on about how this track was magical or something because everyone was breaking personal records all day.
When everyone else breaks personal records and I don’t, I just feel left out. I felt the same way at Arcadia. I hate that feeling and I want to change that.
Maybe I just need a break from racing. I guess it’s impossible to feel really happy for every race. I just need to keep telling myself to be happy I guess. I wish just simply telling myself to be happy would actually automatically make me happy every time. But sometimes life doesn’t go the way I want it to and I need to accept that. I’ll try to remove all the negative thoughts and expectations from my mind and hopefully that would make room for happy thoughts. I also need to remind myself of how fortunate I am to be living the life I am now.
Life always has ups and downs no matter what and when I experience a down, I know that life now owes me an up.
I just have to suck it up and embrace the fact that life has bad moments, too. It is impossible for life to be perfect all the time because I am human therefore I have limits.
After that, I went home and went to bed because I was so tired.
Today I woke up, did some blogilates, then went to flex to take a bio diagnostic ap test.
The test was a total of 3 hours. 90 mins multiple choice and grid in, 90 mins writing. I feel like it’s worse than the SAT/ACT because the writing part constitutes for a bigger portion.
I didn’t feel like the multiple choice was that bad, since it was 63 questions and I had 90 mins so I relaxed and took my time. Then I remembered the grid in questions so I started rushing. For the writing part, I used every second of my time.
When I got home, I ate a lot of watermelon. Then I washed the dishes and cleaned my room. Then I drew a little.
After that, I went running with Hannah and Lindsay. We ran 6.5 miles. My calfs were really sore.
When I went home, I drank a lot of water and ate more watermelon. Then I went to do a blood test but they were closed! So I had to come back the next day.
When I went home, I showered, cooked dinner, watched some bio videos, and mopped the floor. I went to sleep at 9:30 because I was tired.
Today I woke up at 6:00. I slept for a long time. Then I went swimming at the YMCA at 7:00. I swam for about 45 mins. I haven’t swam in a few months. I normally swim for at lest an hour but since today was a rest day, I didn’t want to push it or else I might regret.
When I got home, I did some blogilates~ then I drew.
After that, I ate lunch and read my bio textbook. Shortly after that, my mother woke up and we went to kaiser to get a blood test. They took 6mL of my blood.
Before we went to kaiser, we went to the farmers market. We arrived there around12:50 and they were closing at 1. They didn’t have much left so I was sad. I ended up getting a ” chinese pumpkin” I’ve never tried it before and I wanted to try it.
When I got home, I drew and finished my bio transpiration lab because I didn’t know I still had homework until I look at schoolloop. Then I went to the grocery store down the street to get some food. We had a shortage of vegetables in our house so I wanted to fix that.
After that, I washed the dishes then showered.
Before I went to go shower, my mother asked me to bake a fish. I find it very effiecent to take a shower while baking something in the oven because I know I have a time limit in the shower. Sometimes I can stay in the shower forever and I hate it when I let myself do that because it’s such a waste of time and water. So from now on, every time I bake something, I’ll go take a shower.
After that, I read my bio textbook as I ate dinner. Then I mopped the floor and drew.